risking by opening up to possibility where to start the foc

[harmony]

I'm going to skip over all the beautiful stuff and get right to the pain.

I had a wonderful relationship with a fabulous fella going.

Yes, there were obstacles in solidifying the bond in a committed permanent way.
Aren't there always, to one degree or another?
He started to distance around Christmas.
I don't think I will ever hear his reasons. At this point the reasons will not change the feelings or level of commitment either of us had or has, so beyond my gathering an insight it is pointless for me to seek out his reasons.
Last week he revealed he was on another path.
Though I kinda suspected this is what was happening, I had been hoping it really was the other issues that can over run a life at points. I don't mean to imply either was sneaking around with each other on a spouse. No I mean, jobs, business, family issues, with both have children from previous marriages. health, distance, finance. These pressures we discussed. So I let 'me' be prioritized lower on the list.

Yes I hurt that my love is not returned.
Yes I wish it were a different way.
But this is how it is. This is reality. I still love him. He is a wonderful person and soul, but lost himself. I love him enough not to have anger but only wish him happiness and that he finds his direction to happiness.

The anger and pain is directed at myself for opening and allowing pain.
It would be so much easier if I were angry with him, an outside focus.
It has brought up so many self worth, esteem issues etc. Those I can work on.
What it has brought up I am having the most trouble with I think is that I deceived myself so completely.
I am trying to function at a normal pace, but it is so hard. I'm losing sleep, I am not eating properly - very little, and the few foods I have eating are useless comfort stuff. (HAHA homemade cookies, and god awful sour jujus) haha
I am a very private person in regards to my suffering.
My family loves me. But for me to reveal the true state of my pain would be to open myself up to their judgment.
That is what they offer first before support. I really can't take that on at this point.
Yesterday my gran told me I was too strict with my son. Sending him to his room for a five minute break. It was not harsh.
You shouldn't be like that... you were no perfect kid... You should be nicer.."
"I'm sorry you don't approve gran. I'm doing the best I can."
"You can do better." she stated with a smile. She meant no harm, but this is my best at this point. and frankly my son is the one area of good in my universe.
I lost it and started to tear all up.
I am so emotionally fragile right now, it is scarring me. I seem to be losing ground not making any. My ability to cope seems to be fading fast.
Where do I begin to try and focus on healing first.

[harmony]

ha ha ha Aha!
Feeling a bit better at the momment.
In a momment of clarity I had a thought.
Geez, how about trying to forgive yourself.

Just cause everyone always expect me to do better, fix every thing...
doesn't mean I can...

AWW, so I @(&$#^$% UP...
I'm the only one hurting....

I can alway forgive others, in the past.

HMMMM, going to go find me a few solid reaffirmations, and try working on the forgiving me.

still could use outside input. A fresh view is always welcome.

[shelley]

awwwww sweetie, I'm so sorry it didn't work out! and that you don't feel like you can get the support you need from your relations. Sigh. Well, don't add to it! Be NICE to yourself! Try getting a massage with someone you trust and have a good cry.

You are totally allowed to grieve for the end of this relationship and the death of the spiritual child that the two of you gave birth to. Any time we really connect wtih another person we create something that I like to call the spiritual child, the encapsulation of the relationship. Saying good-bye to a beautiful spiritual child is not easy.

You are not to feel ashamed for having high hopes. Deceiving yourself is one thing, but hope is allowed, and love really and truly is blind in the weirdest ways.

And remember that whatever anyone says to you that criticizes, like your Grandmother questioning your parenting skills, is usually a projection of their own personal issues onto you. They rarely have anything to do with the real YOU. And hey, the job of the grandmother is to be the easer of discipline. That's their role.

You've really come quite far emotionally, it's very clear in your hopes for his doing well even tho you can't be together and the fact that he's chosen another path. Good for you! Pat yourself on the back for that, because too many people don't ever find that space and allowance for their "loved" ones. They give lip service to wanting their loved ones to be happy, but in truth they'd rather they be unhappy and still together than happy and apart, and resort to ill feelings, revenge and drama when their objects of desire leave. Yes you're allowed to feel angry for a time, that's one of the stages of grieving, but for YOU to truly be healed from this, you have to wish him well ultimately, and you're already there and that's great.

So be well, get some cinema therapy with some chocolate and popcorn - just remember to cheat right.

[harmony]

Thank you Shelley for the loving response.

I appreciate is greatly.

I took my son to the library last night and loaded up on books. enrichment, yoga, happiness. All uplifting topics. I also saw a posting for a new tai chi class starting soon I think I'll start up again. I haven't participated in almost ten years. There was also a regular evening for families to participate in a story hour and swimming in the community pool. So we are going to give it a go.
I fell asleep peacefully while reading last night. Choosing Happiness by Alexandra Stoddard. A nice pleasant book.

This morning I heard from my guy.
It was a good conversation. Very healing.
No we are not reuniting. He is lost. Trapped behind past relationships. He is so stuck with fear of risking himself to pain. It is so very sad.

It was very emotional for us both. His soul is beautiful.
I do hope he finds the courage and circumstances to free his heart one day.
It won't be for me then, but that will be okay too.
I'm still grieving the lose of course, but I will come through it. Talking with him, letting him know I consider the memories of our time a treasure. That I hold no anger towards him, and that I truly want him to find his joy and happiness. It was very comforting and freeing. I know he had no intent to hurt me. I know he loved me to his capacity.
That goes a long way to soothing my own fragile heart, and strengthens my soul.

We are just to everyday ordinary people seeking light.

[harmony]

Jezz, I was a mess!
Doing great. Functioning as a emotionally stable human again.
I miss it, but now it's with a warm fondness.

Thanks all to suffered through readig that.

Peace - Heal on!
Harmony