shelley
Editor in Chief
Joined: 23 Dec 2004
Posts: 7030
Location: Southern California
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 Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2005 12:21 am Post subject: Fear of intimacy |
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| Quote: | "I got very screwed up many years ago, when a long standing relationship ended in a very traumatic and totally unexpected manner. The result was that, even the thought of being alone with a man, let alone anything more intimate, filled me with horror.
Now something really unexpected has happened. About a year ago, I started e-mail correspondence with a guy on a strictly professional basis. Over the year our correspondence has changed and slowly become more personal. Nothing sexy, just telling each other more about our interests.
We are going to meet soon and (sorry this sounds a bit crazy, since we haven't met) but I'm sure we'll end up in bed. That worries me because I'm shit scared that afterwards I'll wish I hadn't because I'll be so damn scared of a repeat of the previous disaster.
I cant really talk or think straight about this. It seems crazy that, having been totally off male contact for 17 years, I should be even contemplating leaping into bed with a man I've never met." |
Well, I think crazy is much too strong a word, especially after 17 years! 
But seriously, on the one hand, I want you to be safe, but on the other, I want you to face your fears and find the strength on the other side. With fear in our lives, we cannot be free or at liberty. We cannot have the real abundance that only comes from good relations, tranquility, peace of mind. All the wealth in the world is worthless when we're caged by fear.
I too had fears about intimacy and I didn't have the bad experience you had, they were simply there. So I ran into them, thru them and beyond them and found the STRENGTH that was waiting for me on the other side.
In general I find that waiting until the third real in-person date is safest for our emotional needs. but after 17 years I think I'd tell that rule to go hang.
I recommend doing some kind of emotional release therapy. My favorite is MAP but this is such a personal, subjective thing that you should find what you are comfortable with, just try to find SOMEthing to help you thru this. With MAP you can open a MAP session while you're on the date and ask your team to help keep you balanced, for instance. Very comforting.
And if it comes down to actually getting intimate, just remember one of my favorite quotes: "When you're the only naked woman in the room, you look like a million bucks!!!" 
Hope that helps! |
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starlight
Confident Contributor
Joined: 15 Jan 2005
Posts: 152
Location: Florida
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| Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 5:35 am Post subject: You're not crazy! |
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Hi,
First, let me say you're not crazy! After 17 yrs.....you can't be
expected to feel any differetnly. I do agree with Shelley, and just be
careful, use some wisdom here. I know what your feeling....well, not
me really, but my sweetheart is somewhat nervous about emotional
intimacy, and that's hard for him, but I believe if you truly care about
the person, it'll work out, you'll see.
Best of luck!.........Starlight |
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