Seraph69

[seraph69]

Ok so I’m starting this journal; let’s see how well I do with it considering my journals never go too far. I never am able to keep on a schedule of any sort, such as exercising, sleeping, eating and many other things. The reason I'm updating tonight is because boredom drives me insane, it leads me to become imbalanced. It makes me jealous, anxious, angry, sad, depressed and over indulgent. I was doing map for a while but it seems like now when I try to do a session I can not even describe what I want to fix in myself or work on. Communication on all levels seemed to disappear. I can't be as withdrawn as I use to be before college, now I just wanna be social and have fun. Then again I always have a battle in my head between what everyone else does for fun like drinking and eating fun foods, and what I should be doing. I wanna fit in but at the same time I know I can't. I'm very indecisive and for now I don't even know what else their is to say. Things escape my mind when I’m trying to state them, thanks to all those years of suppression.

[shelley]

You can read what you just wrote in your MAP session, and it would be especially effective to read it while in a Calibration session prior to MAP as it will help a LOT with the indecisiveness and wonky emotions etc.

Make up a symptoms list and read that in MAP. Just read the "How to get Help" post for ideas as to what to list.

[seraph69]

Ok. so wow i go back to school tomorrow. But its a new begining because i am finally out of the dorms and moving into my first apartment. We packed up everything tonight, including my car into my dads work trailor. And i am so freaking out. omg I just am paranoid and think about every single bad outcome that could happen to my car in this trailor. I'm sure its safe we are no where close the carrying capacity but i still am so paranoid. I'm crying and i don't know if its because ofmy car or the fact that its a 5 hour drive to get there or also because i don't want to leave my boyfriend, or grow up, have responsability. Just so many emotions running through my body, its hard to describe all of them. But i do wanna cry, and crying i shall because it is good for me after all. Talk to you all again sunday after i am all moved in, my family has left, and i will be all alone with my new roomates i have met once.

[seraph69]

So last night was my first night sleeping in my new appartment. My bed is facing a different way than at home and my body didn't like that, it kept trying to face East like i was being pulled by a magnet or something. Too bad my bed can't face East to West in my room, its far to small. But its better than no place at all. It still feels weird and not like home yet. So tomorrow is job hunting day because the places I want to go are probably closed. I'm so nervous i won't find a job and that i won't be able to pay rent or buy food, then again i just worry too much . I need to finish organizing my room, make a quick run to the store and then update my resume, which i make more difficult than it has to be, but at last i don't know how to change that yet. The most difficult thing i think i'm going to encounter is making food for myself. Things will work out eventually when i get into the swing of things.

[seraph69]

Its me updating again. Last night i went out and drank after i've had no alcohol for a year. And it was good because i didn't even get drunk which is a big improvement to completely getting trashed last year. Well later in the night i ended up getting high which was only the second time i've ever done itand it was so not all its cracked up to be. Just curious the more high you are the more THC in your body? Just curious, That's ME. But then as i'm lying in bed i realize that **** the job in the paper that i was interested in required a drug test. Thats just great isn't it. Now this leads me to two synariaos, A. I'm SOL and I'll never find a job ( i worry too much) or B. thats not the job i'm supose to get. Today i'm going to different alternative health places and see if they are hiring, or maybe apply at hotels, the only thing is I just freaking worry too much. Anyway yesterday was a holiday so today back to health and rehydrating from last night.

[seraph69]

So i called a whole bunch of places to see if they were hiring. no such luck. Time to go back to mainstream places, so i'm going to try the bars, applebee's, hotels, and grocery stores. Thats about the only places here to work, it sucks. I don't know how people find actually jobs with companies when the grow up and graduate from college. Anyway i am so mad about guys. I swear just cause you think i'm pretty doesn't mean that you have to have your hands all over me. Jesh seriously What the Hell. Arg and worst of all i have a boyfriend you have a girlfriend and you wonder why i dislike you. Always trying to get in bed with me. Why can't i find a nice wholesome guy that doesn't care all that much about sex. Maybe i should talk to that Dan guy again. he was cute and nice and eats pretty well more than i can say for Ryan. Oh and another thing why do people have to pry into my being. Do i have like an open invitation saying hay get to the bottom of my secrets. I just don't know. I'm in a perpetual state of lostness.

[ono]

What state and city are you in? Maybe someone who reads the blogs can hook you up with a job.

[seraph69]

Menomonie Wi

I just got back and a few places are hiring. So hopefull all works out even if i don't get the exact job i want at this time.